This one is hard

I am writing this not only to my son, but my family.

I am going to start off with a question.

WHY!?!

I know it is quite a broad question that does nothing to "catch" your attention. Maybe that is my intent. You will just be bored and stop reading. Then why am I writing? If I have to be honest, I'm terrified! Terrified of the truth. the truth that I am scared. Scared of what?

Disappointing you.

This is why I usually seem "all together", "confident" and "sure of myself". The reality is that I am afraid of screwing up. Feeling helpless in a world I have no control of. Rather than engage my true feelings of helplessness, it is much simpler to just avoid and fool myself and everyone around me. But that does not really work.

The more that I believe the lie that I am a disappointment, the more I have to compensate in order to disengage myself from that emotion. And I want nothing to do with it. This is when I appear over confident and often aggressive. These two traits alone are not what I want to pass on or influence anyone with. God's word is quite clear about being confident in our own abilities. Not to mention the aggressiveness does not represent the meek nature of our Lord. The reality is I behave in a manor that is against my true nature. This is where we can rabbit trail about the battle inside between the old nature and the new. This is about walking in the Kingdom of His sonship. No longer walking in the kingdom of darkness from which we are rescued.

This is about allowing myself to actually feel. To quit rationalizing everything and truly feel. Which means feeling uncomfortable emotions. Emotions I have cut off from when I was little. Let's journey to that time.

When my dad died when I was eight months old, the entire fabric of life changed. This isn't about "poor me" but it is about my experience. As a new father, I am learning much about dadhood. especially about having a son. More and more I see the importance of my role in his life. But for this time I am going to focus on two areas of need. Specifically, my needs as a child. Emotional and Behavioral. What did I not get from my father due to his absence? Let's remember that this is the needs of a child, not an adult who wants to rationalize everything in order to avoid pain.

I remember as a kid feeling helpless and anger. The circumstance is not the point. The point is I needed my dad to come and rescue me. To come and set the tone of the home and direct our family. My mom had no idea how to deal with his death and had to raise three kids on her own. I needed my dad to teach me how to love. My mom's love for me was never in question. But she could not show me how to love a wife or how a father loves his children. How do I deal with conflict at school? Mom didn't understand what it is like to be a boy. How could she? I needed dad to teach me how a man responds to what life brings. Could he have done this? That doesn't matter. The fact is he was not there. Even bad direction would have been some direction. After all, it was his job to teach me about life. How could he? He was dead!

Nobody asked me if he could die. Who is this guy that everyone says is my father. I only have photos. No memories. It is quite amazing at how much I look like the man in the photos. But there is no emotional connection with the pictures. So what if he was my father? What difference does it make? He wasn't around. Maybe one day he would come home. Maybe he would walk through that front door and yell out,
"Dad's home everybody". There would be a joyous celebration and hugs all around. I could be a part of the "my dad can beat up your dad" club. As much as I enjoyed playing catch and shooting hoops with mom, dad could teach me how to really throw a ball. After all, I had all of his sports awards. He was a good athlete. An all around jock. Maybe I could be like him. I could look up to him and he would be my hero. My dad would probably coach my little league team and all the other dads would wish they could be like him. When the teacher was mean to me, my dad would take care of it. My brother would not have had such a hard life. Even though Steve was his step son, it would not have mattered. My dad would have loved him and taken care of him. My dad would have shown Janelle her value. He would have encouraged the relationship between Steve and Janelle with their father, Earl. He would not have been threatened by mom's first husband. My dad would have welcomed Earl and his wife to celebrate christmas together. My dad would bring peace to troubled times. My dad would have been the greatest! Right?

I look back as an adult and realize that these are the unrealistic expectations of a child. But that doesn't matter. How did I feel as a child?

That's what I needed! That's what I wanted! I was just a baby. I needed my dad. You have a job to do! Who told you that you could leave us? Who told you that you could leave us alone? I wouldn't do that! Neither would mom! I hate what you did! I am glad your dead! I hate you!

WAIT!!!

Am I allowed to feel this way? What is this anger? Why am I mad a someone I don't know? I am hurt. Anger covers the pain. Anger let's me show emotion that I control. At least, that's what I have led myself to believe. So here is the journey. Walking through this pain and sorrow that I never did as a child. Now I am the husband and father. Will my son have the same expectations on me?

For once in my life, I don't have many answers. I do know that with the grace of God I will stick around and I can teach my son. Teach him what he needs and hopefully what he wants. Teach him how to love and how to throw a ball. The future is unknown. Scary at times. But that's ok. I don't need to be in control. I just need to be who I am. My experience as a child will never change. So I rely on the Jesus to heal my pain and teach me to love. It is a wonderful journey. I didn't say it is always enjoyable, but it is wonderful. I can't change my past, but I will effect my child's future.

Lord, keep my heart humble and teachable. Heal my wounds and show me how to learn from the pain of the past. Keep my heart soft and ready to walk with others who are wounded. Thank you for teaching me how to love my wife and son. You Jesus, are my hero.