Needing to remember

Son. So much life has gone on since my last entry. let me tell you about April of 09. your mother had a miscarriage. We had know idea how many people have gone through this. I do not know how to describe the sorrow your mom felt because we males will never understand what a woman goes through. I can tell you that I felt so helpless and sad while trying to be emotionally strong for your mom. Your mom and I both felt the baby was a girl and we named her, Saira. The name means, in the presence of Christ. I'm not sure how much i can say about this topic except that we lost a part of our family that night. It all happened so fast, it was a blur of events.

No one knows why miscarriages happen. Although, there is much speculation and theories of why but the bottom line is, we just don't know. While the pain does fade the memories of our growing family that came to a halt will always be there. We never got to meet your little sister, we now prepare for the one coming next to be with us next.

People will say good comes from all things. This is not true. The truth is God can make all things work together for good, for those who love God. Your mom and I have a new appreciation for life that we didn't have before. In August when we found out she was pregnant again, it seemed all too wonderful. As I write this now, your mother is 3 months pregnant. We have decided to not find out ahead what the baby is for the surprise is much more fun. There is definitely a small hole in my heart that I don't want to be filled. I would like to always remember the pain of that day in the hospital. I think it is vital to our existence to have those memories. It helps us to remain calm and compassionate. Today while driving there were two different cars within 20 seconds that cut me off and just about hit me. To be honest, I wanted to yell and call them idiots! But I noticed that they both just left a funeral 2 blocks up. Well, thank God I saw that because my response to them was a smile and to waive them on ahead. I have know idea who they were or how they were feeling, but I do know what it is to be sad and hurt. I hope that our experience with the miscarriage has made me a better husband, father and better man.