Just a few thoughts while driving home from Saskatoon . Well, Kim is driving. I am in the back with Nathaniel and Kyle is in the front sleeping. We all came up for a short visit to see Grandpa West. A couple of spots were found in his brain this week so we wanted to drive up for a quick visit.
I have to say that for a man who last year lost his wife last year, of 60 years, he looks well. We arrived to the hospital and I'm sure awoke him from a nap. Although he says he was awake. Naters was freaking out with the hospital beds and doctors around. So Kyle, Kim, Nate and me walked with grandpa to the atrium down the hall. While there Phyllis, Kate and Patrick showed up. We all just hung out and talked and laughed. It was a nice time. I was paying attention to grandpa while everyone was interacting and noticed he wasn't saying a whole lot. But I could see it in his face. It was a look of joy. Satisfaction. You could see it in his grin.
I have no idea what it was like growing up in the West home. I'm sure every member of that household has a distinct memory of what it was like. All six kids could surely tell you the same stories but with different viewpoints. All families have that. Mine sure does. So here I see an 87 year old man that just found out he has a brain tumor. Possibly more. And to most of us this the news we never want to hear. But this man watches his family sitting around a table talking and laughing. I don't know how grandpa West is feeling about this cancer because his response is one of a father who doesn't want his children to worry. He just wants to enjoy his family, the fruit of his labour. I don't think he likes living without grandma, the love of his long life. He can't change what has happened, so he enjoys what is now.
What is now. How many of us really do that. We seem to plan and work towards-------. You fill in the blank. I learned a lot from Kim's grandpa West this weekend. Often we see something or even experience something that moves us. Usually our lives don't really change from the experience. Our busy lives stay just that, busy. And if we actually make the effort to slow down, something will come up to hurry us back up again. Who really does just live for today. I'm talking about actually engaging in the now. Enjoying the moment. Being there when my wife is talking to me and not thinking about my next client. Oh yeah, you say. Easy to talk about but not reality. I hear it now. It's responsible to plan ahead, to plan for the future. I agree! Whole hearted. So make your plans. But don't live there! Don't be the one who says, one day. Enjoy now! Now will be the memories of tomorrow.
I thank grandpa West. I have only been a part of his life for three and a half years now and I have, not only had the honor of marrying his granddaughter and bringing him a new great grandson, but the privilege of mourning his wife with his family. If not for him and grandma, I would not be married to Kim and have Naters and Blueberry (what we call the baby in the womb). I am grateful. I hope I will actually learn from him and truly enjoy my family.
Surely grandpa won't be around forever. None of us will. So we enjoy his company and slow down to just... be.
The journey continues...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
A simple wave
Today started out pretty much the same as most days during the week. I got up and Naters was in between Kimberly and myself. When I left to go and work, I got my usual hugs and kisses from Naters before walking out the door. Fortunately I was back in a couple of hours. Getting a few things done around the house I realized that I needed to go out to run a couple of errands. Grabbed my keys and jacket, snow was starting to fall, and said bye to Kim and Nate then walked out the door. I was backing out of the driveway when I looked up and saw Naters waving at me from the window in the living room. What an adorable site. Then the feeling came.
I don't know what happened but it hit me like a ton of bricks. There was an onslaught of emotions that come over me. Was this the last time he would see his dad? Was he happy? Was he sad to see me go? Was he simply just waiving because that is what he thinks he should do at that moment? Does he anticipate my return?
For the next thirty minutes while depositing a check and getting a throttle cable for my snow blower, all I could see was my little boy standing in the window waiving at me while i was driving away. The internal debate now was, do I turn around and go back in the house or do I continue on to what I have been putting off? I chose the latter. I will only be gone a moment then we can play, I told myself. As I look back now, I chose poorly. Because when I got home he was down for his afternoon nap. I should have stayed and played then tucked him in for his nap. During his nap I could have taken care of what I needed to get done. Do I beat myself up over this, no. But I do learn.
A simple wave from my son! That's all! Why do I look so deep into a simple wave? Are there other dads who get this way? What will people think of me if they know how my brain operates? I don't care! My heart aches for my son! His mother feels the same. I know that this is not unique to Kim and I as most parents could relate, but men do not talk about this stuff. We don't talk about how we feel, period.
Well, we will talk about our favorite team or how much things will make us mad. To discuss our deepest emotions would mean to first allowing ourselves to actually feel. With our compartmentalized brains at work, feeling is not usually an option. No time. Who has time anymore to sit and examine our heart? Plus that would mean the possibility of having to expose the parts in our heart we have worked so hard to cover up. Who wants to deal with the pain that could bring up? What kind of person wants to deal with this? I will! Easy to say, but I believe that I already am.
A wave. Just a wave from a little boy who has captured my heart. I Thank God for you, son! You make my life better. I am thankful for your mother and you. Life will change soon change as we add one more to the mix. I don't know how life looks ahead. We can plan, but God has a funny way of doing things His way. Once again... we can not control anything in this world except our response. And that can even be debated.
I don't know what happened but it hit me like a ton of bricks. There was an onslaught of emotions that come over me. Was this the last time he would see his dad? Was he happy? Was he sad to see me go? Was he simply just waiving because that is what he thinks he should do at that moment? Does he anticipate my return?
For the next thirty minutes while depositing a check and getting a throttle cable for my snow blower, all I could see was my little boy standing in the window waiving at me while i was driving away. The internal debate now was, do I turn around and go back in the house or do I continue on to what I have been putting off? I chose the latter. I will only be gone a moment then we can play, I told myself. As I look back now, I chose poorly. Because when I got home he was down for his afternoon nap. I should have stayed and played then tucked him in for his nap. During his nap I could have taken care of what I needed to get done. Do I beat myself up over this, no. But I do learn.
A simple wave from my son! That's all! Why do I look so deep into a simple wave? Are there other dads who get this way? What will people think of me if they know how my brain operates? I don't care! My heart aches for my son! His mother feels the same. I know that this is not unique to Kim and I as most parents could relate, but men do not talk about this stuff. We don't talk about how we feel, period.
Well, we will talk about our favorite team or how much things will make us mad. To discuss our deepest emotions would mean to first allowing ourselves to actually feel. With our compartmentalized brains at work, feeling is not usually an option. No time. Who has time anymore to sit and examine our heart? Plus that would mean the possibility of having to expose the parts in our heart we have worked so hard to cover up. Who wants to deal with the pain that could bring up? What kind of person wants to deal with this? I will! Easy to say, but I believe that I already am.
A wave. Just a wave from a little boy who has captured my heart. I Thank God for you, son! You make my life better. I am thankful for your mother and you. Life will change soon change as we add one more to the mix. I don't know how life looks ahead. We can plan, but God has a funny way of doing things His way. Once again... we can not control anything in this world except our response. And that can even be debated.
Needing to remember
Son. So much life has gone on since my last entry. let me tell you about April of 09. your mother had a miscarriage. We had know idea how many people have gone through this. I do not know how to describe the sorrow your mom felt because we males will never understand what a woman goes through. I can tell you that I felt so helpless and sad while trying to be emotionally strong for your mom. Your mom and I both felt the baby was a girl and we named her, Saira. The name means, in the presence of Christ. I'm not sure how much i can say about this topic except that we lost a part of our family that night. It all happened so fast, it was a blur of events.
No one knows why miscarriages happen. Although, there is much speculation and theories of why but the bottom line is, we just don't know. While the pain does fade the memories of our growing family that came to a halt will always be there. We never got to meet your little sister, we now prepare for the one coming next to be with us next.
People will say good comes from all things. This is not true. The truth is God can make all things work together for good, for those who love God. Your mom and I have a new appreciation for life that we didn't have before. In August when we found out she was pregnant again, it seemed all too wonderful. As I write this now, your mother is 3 months pregnant. We have decided to not find out ahead what the baby is for the surprise is much more fun. There is definitely a small hole in my heart that I don't want to be filled. I would like to always remember the pain of that day in the hospital. I think it is vital to our existence to have those memories. It helps us to remain calm and compassionate. Today while driving there were two different cars within 20 seconds that cut me off and just about hit me. To be honest, I wanted to yell and call them idiots! But I noticed that they both just left a funeral 2 blocks up. Well, thank God I saw that because my response to them was a smile and to waive them on ahead. I have know idea who they were or how they were feeling, but I do know what it is to be sad and hurt. I hope that our experience with the miscarriage has made me a better husband, father and better man.
No one knows why miscarriages happen. Although, there is much speculation and theories of why but the bottom line is, we just don't know. While the pain does fade the memories of our growing family that came to a halt will always be there. We never got to meet your little sister, we now prepare for the one coming next to be with us next.
People will say good comes from all things. This is not true. The truth is God can make all things work together for good, for those who love God. Your mom and I have a new appreciation for life that we didn't have before. In August when we found out she was pregnant again, it seemed all too wonderful. As I write this now, your mother is 3 months pregnant. We have decided to not find out ahead what the baby is for the surprise is much more fun. There is definitely a small hole in my heart that I don't want to be filled. I would like to always remember the pain of that day in the hospital. I think it is vital to our existence to have those memories. It helps us to remain calm and compassionate. Today while driving there were two different cars within 20 seconds that cut me off and just about hit me. To be honest, I wanted to yell and call them idiots! But I noticed that they both just left a funeral 2 blocks up. Well, thank God I saw that because my response to them was a smile and to waive them on ahead. I have know idea who they were or how they were feeling, but I do know what it is to be sad and hurt. I hope that our experience with the miscarriage has made me a better husband, father and better man.
Friday, April 3, 2009
This one is hard
I am writing this not only to my son, but my family.
I am going to start off with a question.
WHY!?!
I know it is quite a broad question that does nothing to "catch" your attention. Maybe that is my intent. You will just be bored and stop reading. Then why am I writing? If I have to be honest, I'm terrified! Terrified of the truth. the truth that I am scared. Scared of what?
Disappointing you.
This is why I usually seem "all together", "confident" and "sure of myself". The reality is that I am afraid of screwing up. Feeling helpless in a world I have no control of. Rather than engage my true feelings of helplessness, it is much simpler to just avoid and fool myself and everyone around me. But that does not really work.
The more that I believe the lie that I am a disappointment, the more I have to compensate in order to disengage myself from that emotion. And I want nothing to do with it. This is when I appear over confident and often aggressive. These two traits alone are not what I want to pass on or influence anyone with. God's word is quite clear about being confident in our own abilities. Not to mention the aggressiveness does not represent the meek nature of our Lord. The reality is I behave in a manor that is against my true nature. This is where we can rabbit trail about the battle inside between the old nature and the new. This is about walking in the Kingdom of His sonship. No longer walking in the kingdom of darkness from which we are rescued.
This is about allowing myself to actually feel. To quit rationalizing everything and truly feel. Which means feeling uncomfortable emotions. Emotions I have cut off from when I was little. Let's journey to that time.
When my dad died when I was eight months old, the entire fabric of life changed. This isn't about "poor me" but it is about my experience. As a new father, I am learning much about dadhood. especially about having a son. More and more I see the importance of my role in his life. But for this time I am going to focus on two areas of need. Specifically, my needs as a child. Emotional and Behavioral. What did I not get from my father due to his absence? Let's remember that this is the needs of a child, not an adult who wants to rationalize everything in order to avoid pain.
I remember as a kid feeling helpless and anger. The circumstance is not the point. The point is I needed my dad to come and rescue me. To come and set the tone of the home and direct our family. My mom had no idea how to deal with his death and had to raise three kids on her own. I needed my dad to teach me how to love. My mom's love for me was never in question. But she could not show me how to love a wife or how a father loves his children. How do I deal with conflict at school? Mom didn't understand what it is like to be a boy. How could she? I needed dad to teach me how a man responds to what life brings. Could he have done this? That doesn't matter. The fact is he was not there. Even bad direction would have been some direction. After all, it was his job to teach me about life. How could he? He was dead!
Nobody asked me if he could die. Who is this guy that everyone says is my father. I only have photos. No memories. It is quite amazing at how much I look like the man in the photos. But there is no emotional connection with the pictures. So what if he was my father? What difference does it make? He wasn't around. Maybe one day he would come home. Maybe he would walk through that front door and yell out,
"Dad's home everybody". There would be a joyous celebration and hugs all around. I could be a part of the "my dad can beat up your dad" club. As much as I enjoyed playing catch and shooting hoops with mom, dad could teach me how to really throw a ball. After all, I had all of his sports awards. He was a good athlete. An all around jock. Maybe I could be like him. I could look up to him and he would be my hero. My dad would probably coach my little league team and all the other dads would wish they could be like him. When the teacher was mean to me, my dad would take care of it. My brother would not have had such a hard life. Even though Steve was his step son, it would not have mattered. My dad would have loved him and taken care of him. My dad would have shown Janelle her value. He would have encouraged the relationship between Steve and Janelle with their father, Earl. He would not have been threatened by mom's first husband. My dad would have welcomed Earl and his wife to celebrate christmas together. My dad would bring peace to troubled times. My dad would have been the greatest! Right?
"Dad's home everybody". There would be a joyous celebration and hugs all around. I could be a part of the "my dad can beat up your dad" club. As much as I enjoyed playing catch and shooting hoops with mom, dad could teach me how to really throw a ball. After all, I had all of his sports awards. He was a good athlete. An all around jock. Maybe I could be like him. I could look up to him and he would be my hero. My dad would probably coach my little league team and all the other dads would wish they could be like him. When the teacher was mean to me, my dad would take care of it. My brother would not have had such a hard life. Even though Steve was his step son, it would not have mattered. My dad would have loved him and taken care of him. My dad would have shown Janelle her value. He would have encouraged the relationship between Steve and Janelle with their father, Earl. He would not have been threatened by mom's first husband. My dad would have welcomed Earl and his wife to celebrate christmas together. My dad would bring peace to troubled times. My dad would have been the greatest! Right?
I look back as an adult and realize that these are the unrealistic expectations of a child. But that doesn't matter. How did I feel as a child?
That's what I needed! That's what I wanted! I was just a baby. I needed my dad. You have a job to do! Who told you that you could leave us? Who told you that you could leave us alone? I wouldn't do that! Neither would mom! I hate what you did! I am glad your dead! I hate you!
WAIT!!!
Am I allowed to feel this way? What is this anger? Why am I mad a someone I don't know? I am hurt. Anger covers the pain. Anger let's me show emotion that I control. At least, that's what I have led myself to believe. So here is the journey. Walking through this pain and sorrow that I never did as a child. Now I am the husband and father. Will my son have the same expectations on me?
For once in my life, I don't have many answers. I do know that with the grace of God I will stick around and I can teach my son. Teach him what he needs and hopefully what he wants. Teach him how to love and how to throw a ball. The future is unknown. Scary at times. But that's ok. I don't need to be in control. I just need to be who I am. My experience as a child will never change. So I rely on the Jesus to heal my pain and teach me to love. It is a wonderful journey. I didn't say it is always enjoyable, but it is wonderful. I can't change my past, but I will effect my child's future.
Lord, keep my heart humble and teachable. Heal my wounds and show me how to learn from the pain of the past. Keep my heart soft and ready to walk with others who are wounded. Thank you for teaching me how to love my wife and son. You Jesus, are my hero.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
What am I doing to my son?
being sick with the flu for the past week, even though it feels so much longer, i thought i would take a bath this morning. My legs were just aching when i got up. after a nice soak my wife brings Nathaniel in to see daddy. well, once that boy sees the tub, he has to get in. how do you resist that?
let me add here that i think the bath is not the best way to get clean. you are in stagnate water that is full of soap and shampoo not to mention that i shave while in there. so i always have to run the shower for a quick rinse off. am i a bit silly? maybe. oh well.
so i grab my son and of course, he is so excited to be on the shower with dad. like most people, my son does not enjoy the water splashing him in the face. which means i hold him while we shower. being 12 months old, this is still realistic. i imagine one day he will be the one supporting me in the shower. wow! that will be years from now. anyway! as i hold him, Nathaniel puts his hand in the water stream and giggles. first of all. that is worth many hours of contemplation. my boy absolutely loves the water. just like his dad. well, as he is trying to grab the water streams, i move him closer to the water not realizing that he is looking up and the stream hits him right in the eyes!
his little head jerks right back from the stream and of course i feel like..... well, not to good. but what does he do next? after i kiss his face and tell him how sorry i am, my boy lays his head on my shoulder and cuddles up with me. as he rubs his eyes that are in obvious pain, he looks to me for comfort. am i not the one who just put him in the position to receive this pain? why was he not angry with me? i am not sure he cared about who to blame or why he was hurting. at that moment all that mattered was he was hurting and i was there. so what does my son do when he is in pain? he immediately looks for his mother or me for comfort.
i know that this is not a huge life changing event that may have him in a psychologist office one day trying to figure out his fear of water. and these types of things happen all the time to kids and it is a part of life that is normal. but that is not my point.
after the shower we got dressed and it was time for a nap. one of my favorite dad jobs is tucking my son in. our routine is to cuddle in the gliding chair and talk for a bit. well, at this stage, i do the talking. usually we pray and sing often combining the two. then i put Nathaniel in his bed. this is something he understands is the norm. when i am not home, mom does it. most of the time while he is resting on my shoulder i am able to gather my thoughts and just focus on our family. and today i thought back on some conversations i have had with his uncle j.
protecting Nathaniel from pain is not realistic. I'm not talking about the obvious responsibilities of a parent keeping a child safe. but pain is a part of life. unfortunately most of us were never taught how to deal with our pain. we just learned to cope, to survive. this is not what i wish to teach my son. we must learn to work through our pain. face it head on. let's be real. most of our decisions in life are made through the thought filters of our pain. pain is an indicator that something is not right. this is a good thing. when the pain is physical, discovering the source is usually not that difficult. but when the pain is emotional, well that is harder.
pain in my life has been normal. i am not alone in this. acknowledging the pain helps me know that i am alive. now don't get me wrong. this is not how i wish to live, in pain. but i must accept it and then the question is, what do i do with it? this is what i want to teach Nathaniel.
only Jesus can heal. most people reject this belief because of their desire for control. control of their lives. i realized years ago that we can control nothing outside of our response. there is always something that will screw up our environment. not talking about the earth. but our personal environment. for example, cancer does not care how much money or power you may have. when i was just out of high school there was a girl who was rear ended. when she got out, the man who hit her car, shot her. then he drove off. the cops found him and had him cornered. the dude shot himself and the whole thing was over. but it wasn't. that girl had family and friends who mourned for who knows how long? I'm sure the parents will never get over it. yes they will move on. but the pain will never leave. i use these example to illustrate our true lack of control.
another reason poeple reject the belief in Jesus is because of their pain. weather they wish to admit it or not is irrelivant. for some reason they are angry with God. that's ok. He still wants to heal them. many people have asked me, why would God let this happen? these people never ask me, why did God give us free will? my mom, her mom and dad all died from cancer. could God have healed them. I truly believe so. did He? well this depends on your definition of healing. my response has often been; if we could fully understand God, He wouldn't be much of one. I desire my son to ask hard questions that require much discussion. i have met many who claim to be atheist. for to be an atheist, it would requird you to know all the mysteries of the universe. otherwise how can a man of thought and intellect be so arrogant to reject things he cannot understand. the word is; control. we want it. we can never really have it. if you think your in control of your life? stop paying taxes. i know that is a bit silly. but come on. think about it. what do we really have control of? you tell me what you control, and I'll show you how your fooling yourself.
so what does this have to do with a cute little story of my adorable little son getting water in his eyes? simple....PAIN!
we all have it, we all get it and we all cause it. and if my son chooses. he, his mother and i will journey together and discover the healing Jesus has for us. to live a life of fulfillment. to actually live. not just exist. life, sometimes, really suck. but often it is wonderful. we can't often control what comes our way. but we do choose how we will respond. and once again. that choice is usually dictated by our pain. my prayer for my family.....
Jesus, give us the strength we need to stay humble and teachable. Thank you that your grace is bigger than our circumstance. I thank you that your shoulders can handle my doubt and that you are not disturbed by my lack of faith. Just like the man who's daughter you healed said. I believe, but help me with my unbelief. Thank you for guiding my family. We are thankful for what we have and help us to not envy the things we don't have. I pray that you pour your love into us so we can love the way you do. Give us the strength to just be. Thank You for my wife and son. Expose the pain in my life that keeps me from loving Kimberly more. I wish to give her all of me. I know that this is a lifetime journey. We have chosen to do it together. and love is an action. So I want to love her more today. Amen
My desire is not to give answers, but to raise questions. together we as a family will seek the truth. and my son, you will have to get the answers from God yourself. I will guide you and teach you to hear His voice. but you must seek for yourself. Right now you walk with your mother and me. One day you with leave us behind and your journey will continue. Seek wisdom.
let me add here that i think the bath is not the best way to get clean. you are in stagnate water that is full of soap and shampoo not to mention that i shave while in there. so i always have to run the shower for a quick rinse off. am i a bit silly? maybe. oh well.
so i grab my son and of course, he is so excited to be on the shower with dad. like most people, my son does not enjoy the water splashing him in the face. which means i hold him while we shower. being 12 months old, this is still realistic. i imagine one day he will be the one supporting me in the shower. wow! that will be years from now. anyway! as i hold him, Nathaniel puts his hand in the water stream and giggles. first of all. that is worth many hours of contemplation. my boy absolutely loves the water. just like his dad. well, as he is trying to grab the water streams, i move him closer to the water not realizing that he is looking up and the stream hits him right in the eyes!
his little head jerks right back from the stream and of course i feel like..... well, not to good. but what does he do next? after i kiss his face and tell him how sorry i am, my boy lays his head on my shoulder and cuddles up with me. as he rubs his eyes that are in obvious pain, he looks to me for comfort. am i not the one who just put him in the position to receive this pain? why was he not angry with me? i am not sure he cared about who to blame or why he was hurting. at that moment all that mattered was he was hurting and i was there. so what does my son do when he is in pain? he immediately looks for his mother or me for comfort.
i know that this is not a huge life changing event that may have him in a psychologist office one day trying to figure out his fear of water. and these types of things happen all the time to kids and it is a part of life that is normal. but that is not my point.
after the shower we got dressed and it was time for a nap. one of my favorite dad jobs is tucking my son in. our routine is to cuddle in the gliding chair and talk for a bit. well, at this stage, i do the talking. usually we pray and sing often combining the two. then i put Nathaniel in his bed. this is something he understands is the norm. when i am not home, mom does it. most of the time while he is resting on my shoulder i am able to gather my thoughts and just focus on our family. and today i thought back on some conversations i have had with his uncle j.
protecting Nathaniel from pain is not realistic. I'm not talking about the obvious responsibilities of a parent keeping a child safe. but pain is a part of life. unfortunately most of us were never taught how to deal with our pain. we just learned to cope, to survive. this is not what i wish to teach my son. we must learn to work through our pain. face it head on. let's be real. most of our decisions in life are made through the thought filters of our pain. pain is an indicator that something is not right. this is a good thing. when the pain is physical, discovering the source is usually not that difficult. but when the pain is emotional, well that is harder.
pain in my life has been normal. i am not alone in this. acknowledging the pain helps me know that i am alive. now don't get me wrong. this is not how i wish to live, in pain. but i must accept it and then the question is, what do i do with it? this is what i want to teach Nathaniel.
only Jesus can heal. most people reject this belief because of their desire for control. control of their lives. i realized years ago that we can control nothing outside of our response. there is always something that will screw up our environment. not talking about the earth. but our personal environment. for example, cancer does not care how much money or power you may have. when i was just out of high school there was a girl who was rear ended. when she got out, the man who hit her car, shot her. then he drove off. the cops found him and had him cornered. the dude shot himself and the whole thing was over. but it wasn't. that girl had family and friends who mourned for who knows how long? I'm sure the parents will never get over it. yes they will move on. but the pain will never leave. i use these example to illustrate our true lack of control.
another reason poeple reject the belief in Jesus is because of their pain. weather they wish to admit it or not is irrelivant. for some reason they are angry with God. that's ok. He still wants to heal them. many people have asked me, why would God let this happen? these people never ask me, why did God give us free will? my mom, her mom and dad all died from cancer. could God have healed them. I truly believe so. did He? well this depends on your definition of healing. my response has often been; if we could fully understand God, He wouldn't be much of one. I desire my son to ask hard questions that require much discussion. i have met many who claim to be atheist. for to be an atheist, it would requird you to know all the mysteries of the universe. otherwise how can a man of thought and intellect be so arrogant to reject things he cannot understand. the word is; control. we want it. we can never really have it. if you think your in control of your life? stop paying taxes. i know that is a bit silly. but come on. think about it. what do we really have control of? you tell me what you control, and I'll show you how your fooling yourself.
so what does this have to do with a cute little story of my adorable little son getting water in his eyes? simple....PAIN!
we all have it, we all get it and we all cause it. and if my son chooses. he, his mother and i will journey together and discover the healing Jesus has for us. to live a life of fulfillment. to actually live. not just exist. life, sometimes, really suck. but often it is wonderful. we can't often control what comes our way. but we do choose how we will respond. and once again. that choice is usually dictated by our pain. my prayer for my family.....
Jesus, give us the strength we need to stay humble and teachable. Thank you that your grace is bigger than our circumstance. I thank you that your shoulders can handle my doubt and that you are not disturbed by my lack of faith. Just like the man who's daughter you healed said. I believe, but help me with my unbelief. Thank you for guiding my family. We are thankful for what we have and help us to not envy the things we don't have. I pray that you pour your love into us so we can love the way you do. Give us the strength to just be. Thank You for my wife and son. Expose the pain in my life that keeps me from loving Kimberly more. I wish to give her all of me. I know that this is a lifetime journey. We have chosen to do it together. and love is an action. So I want to love her more today. Amen
My desire is not to give answers, but to raise questions. together we as a family will seek the truth. and my son, you will have to get the answers from God yourself. I will guide you and teach you to hear His voice. but you must seek for yourself. Right now you walk with your mother and me. One day you with leave us behind and your journey will continue. Seek wisdom.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Christmas 2008
This is something I wrote Christmas night 2008.
I lay here alone in a bed while my wife and son are three feet away in a matching full size. The name full size sounds quite adequate for two adults and a 10 month old, yet it does not match the room of our queen size that we often feel crowded in at our home.
Our first Christmas as a nuclear family. Minus our long time companion, Cammy, who we had to put down earlier this year. My wife. My passions that go far beyond any feelings that will come and go depending on my mood. Our son, which words cannot describe the love I possess. Yet today, as I slow my brain down from a busy day of travel and thinking beyond myself, my feelings betray me. Feelings of sorrow and sadness. During this most wonderful time. Christmas time.
Growing up in my family Christmas was always a wonderful time. Of course my view is from that of a child. The youngest to cap it off. I can remember quite clearly that this time of year was about our family more than anything else. Of course we were blessed with gifts and sweets as well as the traditional Christmas dinner. It was all geared around the family. And it wouldn't be a Christmas without a non family member who had no place to go celebrating with us. My mom would always make people feel as they were a part of the family. And it seemed no matter where my brother was, he made his way home for Christmas. Our mother tried hard to instill the value of family to us kids. I think my brother and sister understood this value before me. And I am not convinced that our age difference is the reason. I am sure it is because of our experience of life. Well, maybe it is because of age. Their perspective has been different than mine purely because of age. They remember what it was like when my father died. I don't. That was a difficult time that I will never understand. Which brings me to my feelings.
As a child, the rest of my family set the tone for Christmas. My family made it fun for me. I can't imagine having to deal with my spoiled attitude. I look back now and wonder if Steve and Janelle ever felt less important than me. Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I was quite spoiled. But now, I am no longer the baby! It is not the responsibility of my sister, brother or mom to take care of me. It is my turn to do that for my wife and son. I must admit, with a heavy heart, I feel extremely inadequate. This is the fourth Christmas without Steve and the third without my mom. Janelle is still here, but 1500 miles away. As Kimberly and I spend our first Christmas with our son, I cannot deny the sorrow in my heart. The sorrow that my son will not know the people in my life that gave it meaning for so long. With the joy of knowing that next year Janelle will be living two hours away, this only reminds me of her and my loss. Now don't get me wrong. This does not mean that I don't want her to be that close. On the contrary, I am looking forward to it. My son needs to know her as she needs to know him. I have not forgotten the values learned from my mother. Yet my heart is sad that my son and wife will not know Steve or mom. And Steve and mom will not know the woman I love or their nephew and grandson. Everybody misses out. So it is important for Janelle to be close to us.
So, what do I do? How do I respond to this heartache? Besides, I am not the only one who hurts this time of year. My wife is having her first Christmas without her grandma. In the house this year is a husband who griefs of his wife of 60 years. Adult children who miss their mom. Adult grandchildren who wish their grandma could love on their children the way she loved them. Grief is everywhere. Yet there is so much to celebrate with two new children born this year. Nathaniel and judah. My son and his cousin.
So, now, I go back to Christmas and wonder what it is all about. Yes, it is the celebration of our Lord's birth. But what about His teachings? Love. Love for our Heavenly father and for each other. What do I want to teach my son? Why reinvent the wheel? I learned it a long time ago from a woman who knew more than she ever got credit for. Family! This is what God gave us to show is his kingdom. The love of family. As dysfunctional as it may be. What better opportunity do we have to demonstration the love of Jesus but to a bunch of hurting people that we love. Loving beyond our own pain and dysfunction. This is what I want to teach my son. It is what mom would have done. It is my turn to set the stage.
I miss you, Steve. Your nephew is great. You would have loved him like you did me.
Mom, here is your grandson. Your pride for him is in my heart. I miss you so much! Your legacy lives. I will see both of you when I go home, many years from now. Until then I have work to do. A family to raise and people to love.
Janelle. I am proud to have you for a sister. Knowing that you will watch my son grow and be a part of his life, I am thankful.
Kimberly. We have an adventure ahead of us. You are my love on this earth! There is truly no one I would rather be with. You are my Eve.
Nathaniel, my son. I do not feel worthy to be your father. I will do my best.
My prayer is that Christmas would give us a chance to reflect on our busy lives to remember what we are living for. That life is valuable and Jesus' sacrifice was for the people we don't like too.
I lay here alone in a bed while my wife and son are three feet away in a matching full size. The name full size sounds quite adequate for two adults and a 10 month old, yet it does not match the room of our queen size that we often feel crowded in at our home.
Our first Christmas as a nuclear family. Minus our long time companion, Cammy, who we had to put down earlier this year. My wife. My passions that go far beyond any feelings that will come and go depending on my mood. Our son, which words cannot describe the love I possess. Yet today, as I slow my brain down from a busy day of travel and thinking beyond myself, my feelings betray me. Feelings of sorrow and sadness. During this most wonderful time. Christmas time.
Growing up in my family Christmas was always a wonderful time. Of course my view is from that of a child. The youngest to cap it off. I can remember quite clearly that this time of year was about our family more than anything else. Of course we were blessed with gifts and sweets as well as the traditional Christmas dinner. It was all geared around the family. And it wouldn't be a Christmas without a non family member who had no place to go celebrating with us. My mom would always make people feel as they were a part of the family. And it seemed no matter where my brother was, he made his way home for Christmas. Our mother tried hard to instill the value of family to us kids. I think my brother and sister understood this value before me. And I am not convinced that our age difference is the reason. I am sure it is because of our experience of life. Well, maybe it is because of age. Their perspective has been different than mine purely because of age. They remember what it was like when my father died. I don't. That was a difficult time that I will never understand. Which brings me to my feelings.
As a child, the rest of my family set the tone for Christmas. My family made it fun for me. I can't imagine having to deal with my spoiled attitude. I look back now and wonder if Steve and Janelle ever felt less important than me. Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I was quite spoiled. But now, I am no longer the baby! It is not the responsibility of my sister, brother or mom to take care of me. It is my turn to do that for my wife and son. I must admit, with a heavy heart, I feel extremely inadequate. This is the fourth Christmas without Steve and the third without my mom. Janelle is still here, but 1500 miles away. As Kimberly and I spend our first Christmas with our son, I cannot deny the sorrow in my heart. The sorrow that my son will not know the people in my life that gave it meaning for so long. With the joy of knowing that next year Janelle will be living two hours away, this only reminds me of her and my loss. Now don't get me wrong. This does not mean that I don't want her to be that close. On the contrary, I am looking forward to it. My son needs to know her as she needs to know him. I have not forgotten the values learned from my mother. Yet my heart is sad that my son and wife will not know Steve or mom. And Steve and mom will not know the woman I love or their nephew and grandson. Everybody misses out. So it is important for Janelle to be close to us.
So, what do I do? How do I respond to this heartache? Besides, I am not the only one who hurts this time of year. My wife is having her first Christmas without her grandma. In the house this year is a husband who griefs of his wife of 60 years. Adult children who miss their mom. Adult grandchildren who wish their grandma could love on their children the way she loved them. Grief is everywhere. Yet there is so much to celebrate with two new children born this year. Nathaniel and judah. My son and his cousin.
So, now, I go back to Christmas and wonder what it is all about. Yes, it is the celebration of our Lord's birth. But what about His teachings? Love. Love for our Heavenly father and for each other. What do I want to teach my son? Why reinvent the wheel? I learned it a long time ago from a woman who knew more than she ever got credit for. Family! This is what God gave us to show is his kingdom. The love of family. As dysfunctional as it may be. What better opportunity do we have to demonstration the love of Jesus but to a bunch of hurting people that we love. Loving beyond our own pain and dysfunction. This is what I want to teach my son. It is what mom would have done. It is my turn to set the stage.
I miss you, Steve. Your nephew is great. You would have loved him like you did me.
Mom, here is your grandson. Your pride for him is in my heart. I miss you so much! Your legacy lives. I will see both of you when I go home, many years from now. Until then I have work to do. A family to raise and people to love.
Janelle. I am proud to have you for a sister. Knowing that you will watch my son grow and be a part of his life, I am thankful.
Kimberly. We have an adventure ahead of us. You are my love on this earth! There is truly no one I would rather be with. You are my Eve.
Nathaniel, my son. I do not feel worthy to be your father. I will do my best.
My prayer is that Christmas would give us a chance to reflect on our busy lives to remember what we are living for. That life is valuable and Jesus' sacrifice was for the people we don't like too.
Who really cares?
The question of the moment is, who cares about this? I would like to believe that my son and any children after him, would be interested in having a documented source of my mind. honestly, who knows how long it will be sound. Grammar and proper sentences will not be a focus of these writings. Nor am I concerned that no one, aside from my son, will read this. Hopefully my thoughts, dreams and actions will inspire my family to explore the possibilities of their lives. My father died when I was 8 months old and I know nothing about him. I would like my son to not only know me but understand the way I think. Together, we will journey!
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