Christmas 2008

This is something I wrote Christmas night 2008.

I lay here alone in a bed while my wife and son are three feet away in a matching full size. The name full size sounds quite adequate for two adults and a 10 month old, yet it does not match the room of our queen size that we often feel crowded in at our home.

Our first Christmas as a nuclear family. Minus our long time companion, Cammy, who we had to put down earlier this year. My wife. My passions that go far beyond any feelings that will come and go depending on my mood. Our son, which words cannot describe the love I possess. Yet today, as I slow my brain down from a busy day of travel and thinking beyond myself, my feelings betray me. Feelings of sorrow and sadness. During this most wonderful time. Christmas time.

Growing up in my family Christmas was always a wonderful time. Of course my view is from that of a child. The youngest to cap it off. I can remember quite clearly that this time of year was about our family more than anything else. Of course we were blessed with gifts and sweets as well as the traditional Christmas dinner. It was all geared around the family. And it wouldn't be a Christmas without a non family member who had no place to go celebrating with us. My mom would always make people feel as they were a part of the family. And it seemed no matter where my brother was, he made his way home for Christmas. Our mother tried hard to instill the value of family to us kids. I think my brother and sister understood this value before me. And I am not convinced that our age difference is the reason. I am sure it is because of our experience of life. Well, maybe it is because of age. Their perspective has been different than mine purely because of age. They remember what it was like when my father died. I don't. That was a difficult time that I will never understand. Which brings me to my feelings.

As a child, the rest of my family set the tone for Christmas. My family made it fun for me. I can't imagine having to deal with my spoiled attitude. I look back now and wonder if Steve and Janelle ever felt less important than me. Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I was quite spoiled. But now, I am no longer the baby! It is not the responsibility of my sister, brother or mom to take care of me. It is my turn to do that for my wife and son. I must admit, with a heavy heart, I feel extremely inadequate. This is the fourth Christmas without Steve and the third without my mom. Janelle is still here, but 1500 miles away. As Kimberly and I spend our first Christmas with our son, I cannot deny the sorrow in my heart. The sorrow that my son will not know the people in my life that gave it meaning for so long. With the joy of knowing that next year Janelle will be living two hours away, this only reminds me of her and my loss. Now don't get me wrong. This does not mean that I don't want her to be that close. On the contrary, I am looking forward to it. My son needs to know her as she needs to know him. I have not forgotten the values learned from my mother. Yet my heart is sad that my son and wife will not know Steve or mom. And Steve and mom will not know the woman I love or their nephew and grandson. Everybody misses out. So it is important for Janelle to be close to us.
So, what do I do? How do I respond to this heartache? Besides, I am not the only one who hurts this time of year. My wife is having her first Christmas without her grandma. In the house this year is a husband who griefs of his wife of 60 years. Adult children who miss their mom. Adult grandchildren who wish their grandma could love on their children the way she loved them. Grief is everywhere. Yet there is so much to celebrate with two new children born this year. Nathaniel and judah. My son and his cousin.

So, now, I go back to Christmas and wonder what it is all about. Yes, it is the celebration of our Lord's birth. But what about His teachings? Love. Love for our Heavenly father and for each other. What do I want to teach my son? Why reinvent the wheel? I learned it a long time ago from a woman who knew more than she ever got credit for. Family! This is what God gave us to show is his kingdom. The love of family. As dysfunctional as it may be. What better opportunity do we have to demonstration the love of Jesus but to a bunch of hurting people that we love. Loving beyond our own pain and dysfunction. This is what I want to teach my son. It is what mom would have done. It is my turn to set the stage.

I miss you, Steve. Your nephew is great. You would have loved him like you did me.

Mom, here is your grandson. Your pride for him is in my heart. I miss you so much! Your legacy lives. I will see both of you when I go home, many years from now. Until then I have work to do. A family to raise and people to love.


Janelle. I am proud to have you for a sister. Knowing that you will watch my son grow and be a part of his life, I am thankful.

Kimberly. We have an adventure ahead of us. You are my love on this earth! There is truly no one I would rather be with. You are my Eve.

Nathaniel, my son. I do not feel worthy to be your father. I will do my best.

My prayer is that Christmas would give us a chance to reflect on our busy lives to remember what we are living for. That life is valuable and Jesus' sacrifice was for the people we don't like too.