A simple wave

Today started out pretty much the same as most days during the week. I got up and Naters was in between Kimberly and myself. When I left to go and work, I got my usual hugs and kisses from Naters before walking out the door. Fortunately I was back in a couple of hours. Getting a few things done around the house I realized that I needed to go out to run a couple of errands. Grabbed my keys and jacket, snow was starting to fall, and said bye to Kim and Nate then walked out the door. I was backing out of the driveway when I looked up and saw Naters waving at me from the window in the living room. What an adorable site. Then the feeling came.

I don't know what happened but it hit me like a ton of bricks. There was an onslaught of emotions that come over me. Was this the last time he would see his dad? Was he happy? Was he sad to see me go? Was he simply just waiving because that is what he thinks he should do at that moment? Does he anticipate my return?

For the next thirty minutes while depositing a check and getting a throttle cable for my snow blower, all I could see was my little boy standing in the window waiving at me while i was driving away. The internal debate now was, do I turn around and go back in the house or do I continue on to what I have been putting off? I chose the latter. I will only be gone a moment then we can play, I told myself. As I look back now, I chose poorly. Because when I got home he was down for his afternoon nap. I should have stayed and played then tucked him in for his nap. During his nap I could have taken care of what I needed to get done. Do I beat myself up over this, no. But I do learn.

A simple wave from my son! That's all! Why do I look so deep into a simple wave? Are there other dads who get this way? What will people think of me if they know how my brain operates? I don't care! My heart aches for my son! His mother feels the same. I know that this is not unique to Kim and I as most parents could relate, but men do not talk about this stuff. We don't talk about how we feel, period.

Well, we will talk about our favorite team or how much things will make us mad. To discuss our deepest emotions would mean to first allowing ourselves to actually feel. With our compartmentalized brains at work, feeling is not usually an option. No time. Who has time anymore to sit and examine our heart? Plus that would mean the possibility of having to expose the parts in our heart we have worked so hard to cover up. Who wants to deal with the pain that could bring up? What kind of person wants to deal with this? I will! Easy to say, but I believe that I already am.

A wave. Just a wave from a little boy who has captured my heart. I Thank God for you, son! You make my life better. I am thankful for your mother and you. Life will change soon change as we add one more to the mix. I don't know how life looks ahead. We can plan, but God has a funny way of doing things His way. Once again... we can not control anything in this world except our response. And that can even be debated.

Needing to remember

Son. So much life has gone on since my last entry. let me tell you about April of 09. your mother had a miscarriage. We had know idea how many people have gone through this. I do not know how to describe the sorrow your mom felt because we males will never understand what a woman goes through. I can tell you that I felt so helpless and sad while trying to be emotionally strong for your mom. Your mom and I both felt the baby was a girl and we named her, Saira. The name means, in the presence of Christ. I'm not sure how much i can say about this topic except that we lost a part of our family that night. It all happened so fast, it was a blur of events.

No one knows why miscarriages happen. Although, there is much speculation and theories of why but the bottom line is, we just don't know. While the pain does fade the memories of our growing family that came to a halt will always be there. We never got to meet your little sister, we now prepare for the one coming next to be with us next.

People will say good comes from all things. This is not true. The truth is God can make all things work together for good, for those who love God. Your mom and I have a new appreciation for life that we didn't have before. In August when we found out she was pregnant again, it seemed all too wonderful. As I write this now, your mother is 3 months pregnant. We have decided to not find out ahead what the baby is for the surprise is much more fun. There is definitely a small hole in my heart that I don't want to be filled. I would like to always remember the pain of that day in the hospital. I think it is vital to our existence to have those memories. It helps us to remain calm and compassionate. Today while driving there were two different cars within 20 seconds that cut me off and just about hit me. To be honest, I wanted to yell and call them idiots! But I noticed that they both just left a funeral 2 blocks up. Well, thank God I saw that because my response to them was a smile and to waive them on ahead. I have know idea who they were or how they were feeling, but I do know what it is to be sad and hurt. I hope that our experience with the miscarriage has made me a better husband, father and better man.